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Hi Jenn,
I get it. I do, having gone through the same experience (without the high blood pressure) of wanting a natural birth and ending up with a Cesarean and feeling like they were not doing all they could to make this happen naturally (still feeling that way). And I had people also say to me "well, she's healthy and you're healthy and that's all that matters" and of course I'm beyond grateful for that. But it doesn't change my serious disappointment that I didn't feel as though I birthed my baby. I'm amazed that you can remember things in such detail. I can't, and my girl is only a few months older than yours. Thanks for the post, and I am sorry, sorry, sorry to hear of your miscarriage.


I'm glad this post resonated with you, Erica. I just wanted to clarify that I haven't had a miscarriage, though. I added miscarriage as an example of grief because I know so many friends who have had this experience. I think there is an unfortunate silence and shame reserved especially for miscarriages in our culture. My friend Katie wrote a great piece about this:

Thanks again for reading!

Mariflo Hudson

Hi Jenn,

I am so grateful you wrote this. You are a beautiful and powerful writer. I can totally relate to the "not feeling like you can complain about X when you are so blessed to have Y - and A -W that came before." But the joy/grief experience is very real.

And I am so sorry you didn't have the birth you had dreamed of with Eliza June. It is unfair.

I also hope that you found healing in your next birth - as I did with Cy's - healing from Bird's birth, the miscarriages in between, and the struggles we had had as a couple in supporting each other during those times. It doesn't repair it all, but it did affirm that I was a woman that *could* have an unmedicated birth, and that I was in a partnership that could support that too.

Love, MF


so wise and beautifully said, Jenn. I've shared with the MomsRising community as well.



Wow, Jenn! Thank you so much for sharing your story. It really made me miss you. Oh how I'd love to hang out and listen to your story, share experiences, cry and be joyful together. When you reflected on the simultaneous experiences of grief and joy, I thought about losing my dad just 10 days after CE was born and how I struggled to deal with those two conflicting emotions. And how at the funeral when greeting me, many chose to focus on the joy of my baby and congratulate me in hopes of some escape from the sadness of the day. It is true, I was experiencing joy, (and exhaustion and the many other experiences of being a new mother) and my daughter did bring relief from the sorrow, but she was also a kind of distraction that kept me (understandably so) from really mourning my dad's death (which in many ways I'm still trying to figure out how to do).

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  • Greetings from Providence! I'm Jennifer, working mom of twins + 1. I'm also a writer, educator, activist, seeker, aspiring photographer and maker of things. I juggle multiple realities all the time and this is where I share about it. Thanks for stopping by!
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