little naked me

Photographer Thea Coughlin, whose transformational online photography class I've been taking over at Squam this month, recently asked us to reflect on our feelings about being both behind and in front of the camera. 

Gulp.  Sharing all this with you, dear readers, feels pretty brave.  But in hope that it will resonate with at least some of you, here's what I wrote:

1. Are you more a witness or a creator photographer? How does that feel to you?

I am a witness photographer.  I want to see and illuminate the details, the simple and soulful moments of interaction and presence that are happening with my subjects.  The life of a stone, or of water, or my children.  To be a lens that captures something authentic and important about the world, even if small and simple.  To see my subjects as fully as they deserve to be seen.  I don't want to "create" anything contrived.  The moment is happening and I just want to be grateful for it and there with my lens.

2. Is there something or someone you would like to photograph more? 

 

I want to take more photographs of my environment -- my city, both the open the urban spaces.  I want to capture the history, the architectural details.  We love it here.  Providence is an important backdrop to this formative time in our family life.  I don't know how long we will live here and I don't want to regret not capturing the spirit of our place in this time. 

I would also like to have more pictures of myself.  I am working on putting together 2012 memory books for my children, and I have thousands of pictures to choose from.  But there's about ten pictures total with me in them.  I am with my children every day!  How sad that their memory books will include an "invisible mother," narrating and photographing from the sidelines.

3. How do you feel about being photographed? 

I am accustomed to being photographed in a very posed way.  This is how it was in my family growing up.  "Smile, say cheese!"  I get stressed out getting my picture taken.  I want my hair to look good and my makeup to be done.  I want to have time to prepare, to decide about my clothes, to make it all look effortless... but of course, it's not. 

Trouble is, my life is not like this anymore.  I don't have the luxury of an hour to get ready in the morning.  I have three kids aged 4 and younger.  I am lucky if I get a shower at all, much less time to dry my hair or put any make-up on, much less time to figure out a cute outfit and have everything laid out and ironed.  This is the way I could have done a photo session with a photographer before having kids.  But not now.  It's just not my reality. 

Now when I see pictures of myself I feel old.  My skin looks thin, I see discoloration and wrinkles I didn't know were there.  I see my belly pouch, still stretched from having carried three children in it.  I see my flat backside and skinny legs from not enough strength training or exercise.  My eyelids droop.  My roots show.  I have a big scar where my neck meets my right shoulder, where the doctors cut out a chunk of melanoma a couple of years ago. 

I think I am a perfectly attractive 37 year old mother of three.  I actually have pretty good self-esteem and think I am a beautiful person, in spite of all I just said above.  I am a joyful and loving person, and I have no intentions of erasing my laugh lines or covering my scars. 

But there's something about being photographed that brings out my inner diva, where it's hard for me to accept a photograph could possibly be beautiful of me if I'm not prepped, hair and make-up and outfit and all.  In reality, I often spend all day with my unwashed hair in a pony tail, in my sweatshirt and jeans, with no make up at all.  But I am afraid of having anyone's camera see me like this.  Including my own.

4. Do you have any personal blocks that you can release that would enable you to be the photographer you wish to be?

I am realizing through this journal exercise that there is a disconnect between the photographer I wish to be -- witnessing and capturing real moments of my subjects, simply and with soulfulness and intention -- and my fear of being "seen" or photographed this way.  

The vulnerability I feel about my aging, about the lack of any glamour in my life, about the raisins stuck to the knees of my jeans and the applesauce on my sleeve...  these are things I would want any subject I photograph to overlook, to realize is part of the authenticity of her life, which makes these details worthy, and beautiful.  

So my work, perhaps, is to go there myself.

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Note:  after I journaled about this, I decided, then and there, to set up my camera and take a self-portrait.  This felt so risky, because I was not wearing any makeup, my hair was pulled back in a sloppy ponytail (with Junebug's plastic hair tie), and I hadn't showered in three days.  But I took a deep breath and set the camera on the edge of my desk, with the timer on.  Then I sat in the chair by the window and... click!

Here's the pic, sans any photoshopping.  (eek!)

This little step of bravery led me to join Thea's Across the Room Project in February.  To see and be seen.  To capture what's true.

If this post resonated with you, maybe you'll join the project, too?  If you are not a "photographer," please don't be intimidated!  Beginners are welcome.  I promise you, Thea is wonderful, patient and very accessible. 

Comments

[julia]

if it's any consolation, i saw that photo of you and thought, "How can her hair look so great 3 days after not showering? when i had bangs, i had to shower every day. what. happened. to. her. stringy. oily. bangs? also, cool sweatshirt. i mean, that's like the kind of sweatshirt movie stars wear."

honest to god, stream of consciousness, my reaction to beautiful, naked, little real you.

xoxo

[Lori Ludovici]

Insightful & heartfelt as always Jenn
And this photo captures your natural beauty ~ good work :)

[Jane]

Of course, I love this reflection and the "naked' picture. How brave of you to share yourself so openly. You are forever beautiful to me.